Feb 28, 2008: thoughts on the one year anniversary of Vivian passing into eternal life

Posting my personal diary is not the reason I created this blog; the reason has been to honor Vivian for what she meant to all of us. As this first year after her homegoing is past, some things I write seem to be personal, but appropriate to post here. I will continue to post for the next year and then I will call this blog complete. I want to put more pictures and stories here for the kids and grandkids.

What follows are my personal musings on February 28, 2008 while flying back from Dallas to Atlanta. I had to record the feelings of the day.

I must write some of my feelings today. This time next year I will be one year further removed from Vivian’s transition to eternal life. It has been the most painful and difficult year of my life. This week two years ago Vivian was in the hospital fighting for her life with interleukin treatments. The last two years have been overshadowed by our cancer experience (hers) and death. There were not many truly happy and carefree moments during that time. The most memorable one was when she imitated a train whistle as we slowly crossed a railroad track in Tyrone, Ga., and I nearly leaped out of my skin. I cannot remember her laughing so hard in a long time. I smile each time I think of it. I truly thought we were a second from being dead together. She thought it so funny. Gosh I love her when I think of those moments. We thought we would defeat cancer, like her Dad. He was a few weeks from dying when he had a medically complete (and with no medical explanation) remission and is doing great today, after many years. Carroll and Earnestine have suffered greatly this year. Losing a child should not be. Losing a wife should not be. This life is filled with apparent randomness and tragedy that makes no sense. Only the eye of faith believing what Jesus spoke and claimed to be true gives any of this life purpose. I just feel sad today mixed with many moments of joyful memories. The previous two weeks have been so painful but today just is. I am on an airplane headed from Dallas, TX as I write these words. Sarah and Joshua have been emailing today with most poignant words. I know they too are full of reflection and pain today. Aaralyn is having a very rough day. I wish I could be with her. I was headed to Oklahoma this weekend but the cost was astronomical to change flights on such short notice. It would have been good to be there after spending the last weekend in Ohio. I want to move on with my life and give Vivian the proper place in my emotions and heart. She encouraged me to do so. Right now I don’t want to be close to another woman and don’t know when I will be able to do so. The experts tell me two years to heal sufficiently to be ready to go on and I can see why that may be true. I miss her so much that it brings tears and heartache. She was such an extraordinary woman. I don’t think I am idealizing her, she just was exceptional. We had so many very tender and loving moments those last years and some remarkable ones the last two weeks she was alive and could not talk. She nevertheless communicated so clearly to me. Her last three gurgles was “I love you” before dying. There is no doubt what she said and meant. Her last attempt at a hug was beyond words saying I love you. She left this life reassuring me of her love. This is a gift beyond measure. When I think of heaven today I can only think of her, and not Christ. This is idolatry, but I am guilty. Gee I am crying and need to stop but I will let tears go as they go. I am not ashamed at all. Vivian left behind such a great heritage and example that continues to influence all of her family. She finished well. She died well. And we must wait until our time to see her again. Of this I am most sure, with no doubts. This is not grief speaking, but certainty that God is truthful and faithful, and he has shown me in many ways that only those that belong truly to him can understand. My challenge is to go on with life and it is so much hard work. Grief is so much hard work. It is part of my life and I must do as Vivian wished. And I must trust God to supply all my needs. And I must learn how to take care of myself; my life has always been dedicated to taking care of others. The plane is getting ready to land and I must pause for now. Vivian, I love you so much and wish I were at home with you even this moment but my purpose for now is to be here as a Dad and Grandfather, and to do what I can to help others toward the kingdom.