May 28, 2008 at 15 months

When Vivian went Home I did not have a clue what journey her departure would launch in my mind, heart, and soul. Today at fifteen months the destination is still not sure, except for the certainty of her most meaningful words to me in those last days, "go on and have a good life. I do not want you to sit and mourn me forever." And then with a smile she said, "and you might, but don't." Even now, those are the most powerful words I have ever heard. They are a mainstay to go forward in all that I do. Thank God she knew me so well and had the wisdom and foresight to say those good things to me. The reality and meaning of her absence from here continues to open up to me, most unexpectedly, and profoundly. My inner life has been enriched as I live without her presence, as a continuing gift to me. Only in her absence have Iearned how to treasure her far beyond what I did when she was here. And I must use those gifts from her and give them again toward those I love, and those I will love one day. Nothing less would honor her. The journey of making peace with all of this, and allowing it to continue in its best role in my heart is certainly my most pressing challenge. And she would have me not focus on myself, but on others, as she most assurredly did, even to her last breath. This is a good day of rememberance of Vivian.